


Ir/reedemable

by NeoSoul



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo is a Mess, Eating Disorders, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Mental Health Issues, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Recovery, Redeemed Ben Solo, Self-Harm, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, and the smile, that damn smile
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:54:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21910039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoSoul/pseuds/NeoSoul
Summary: Ben Solo struggles with himself after the Final Order is destroyed - he finds that even with the death of Kylo Ren - he's still just as bad at coping, and there's a crushing weight upon him.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 5
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it's me again - new Star Wars movie means a new fic. Here we go.  
> Ben solo deserves to be alive - and I believe he is.

Ben Solo felt irredeemable.   
He couldn’t help but feel he should’ve been left for dead on Exogal. He wouldn’t have to be there for the aftermath of what he had done.  
But Rey had other plans, as she had dragged his lifeless body back to her X-Wing, and flew all the way back to the Resistance Base - carried him on her back through the crowd, and into the medical bay.  
It had apparently been days before there were vital signs of any kind.  
Ben could feel every moment, as he felt air back in his lungs.  
He found his eyes open in a room almost full. A couple old medical droids, a few from Resistance, Finn, and then Rey.  
He wasn’t quite sure what to say, or if he even could speak at all. His throat felt dry, and his hands never really stopped shaking.   
Once his chest began rising, sounds, voices were heard, as he felt different medical assists poke his forearms with different needles, one shoved a mask over his nose, and another had their hands on his chest - taking a pulse.  
He could feel the room clear, and he only felt more discomfort. There was bruising around the needles, the mask slid to the tip of his nose - which pulled on the skin, and his pulse was apparently far too slow.  
Ben Solo felt irredeemable.  
It was another while before he could move more than his head. It took far too much out of him to do as much as move his fingers. He couldn’t help but feel horribly weak. He wasn’t worth anything.  
It didn’t help that he already had no self-worth. He couldn’t help but feel helpless.   
It was painful to just lay there, on resistance soil, after everything he’d done.  
Saving Rey was nothing compared to everything he had done.  
Ben Solo felt irredeemable.  
He could feel Rey’s hand, when she held his, making sure to wrap his fingers. He felt much safer when Rey was the only one in the room. He didn’t feel the same anger that radiated from the base when he was alone.  
It took another few days before he was able to walk, but when he did, the floor seemed so wrong on his bare feet.   
The shaking had moved to his legs now, and whenever he had his weight on his feet, they didn’t seem quite ready to hold him.   
Ben Solo felt irredeemable.  
He was never one for coping, and it became increasingly apparent as he started integrating into the space. His weight still seemed to waver over his feet, and his balance wasn’t always there, but there was still breath. His chest still seemed to rise and fall.  
There were still many angry faces that he would pass everyday, and that was something he had to come to terms with. He had done such unspeakable acts, and angry faces were far too tame, really.  
After a week of being alive, he still couldn’t justify being alive. Everything still felt wrong, and he could feel something crushing him - the weight of himself - everything he’d done.  
It never left. No matter the nights spent outside alongside Rey, no matter the many times they’d kiss, even if someone forgave him. He couldn’t help but be crushed under the weight.  
Ben Solo felt irredeemable.  
The more alive he felt, the more he longed to destroy himself again. He coped through pain.  
He had always coped through pain.  
It took different forms.  
It wasn’t long before he began to fall back.   
It started with a knife. A small carving knife, and his left thigh - which had many old scars. Lines that were either a dark red, purple, or white. He’d run his hands over them at times, feeling the raised skin, and remembering the way they’d sting a few seconds after he’d slide a blade across. He didn’t hesitate after picking the knife up - he was more relieved to find a way of coping.  
But sometimes such a stinging wasn’t enough - it wasn’t really ever enough.  
Even with the knowledge that he was still under medical observation, and he had been dead just two weeks ago. Ben found himself back in the freshers - calm, almost too calm for what he was preparing himself to do. It used to be something he did with haste.  
He wasn’t quite ready to feel his knuckles on his teeth. They were cold, but familiar.   
Getting anything up - that was an awful feeling. More of a taste really. Sour, bitter.   
The burning that came with it was all he needed. It was a pain he had missed.  
A pain that runs deeper than just the surface of his skin.  
Ben Solo felt irredeemable.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Integrating into life.

Ben Solo felt alive.  
Not in the sense of life - no. He wasn’t actually that great at functioning.   
The wounds on his left thigh would sting. They would sting whenever he walked, sometimes they’d itch. He’d end up scratching - sometimes to the point of bleeding. It wasn’t always an impulse of hatred. Sometimes he’d just do it - not even consciously.  
Ben Solo felt alive.  
But it wouldn’t last forever - He knew what he was doing, but he didn’t want to acknowledge the damage.  
He found solace in starvation. A solace that purging had never given him. Maybe it wouldn’t last, and he’d find himself more dead than alive. It happened quite often back in his time with the First Order - He spent far more time in the medical bay than he wanted to admit.  
It was an unspoken fact of life - that Kylo Ren was back in the medical bay with arrhythmias - with wires on his chest.  
There was a different form of high that came with starvation. He sometimes felt as if he was floating - not quite in his body, not quite gone.  
He felt somewhat invincible. Even with his past run ins, this felt different.   
Ben Solo felt alive.  
He didn’t spend much time within the base, as it had grown more sparse - many of those who fought with the resistance had left to get on with their own lives.  
Those who stayed didn’t really have a place to go - or were still too injured from the war.  
Ben was the same. He wasn’t sure where to go - if he was even able to find a new life after everything that had happened. He constantly questioned his existence - where he should go, or be.  
Ben Solo felt alive.  
Sometimes only during sunset, when he’d go find Rey in the forest. He’d sit by the trees, and watch her with such intent.  
He’d look away if she noticed him, pretending that he was just waiting.  
They’d walk back to the base together, Rey would have her arms around Ben - who still had a slight limp. She’d make sure to keep his weight supported, even if it was only for a few moments of the day.  
Ben Solo felt alive.  
Until he was back in the furthest hallway from the medical bay, hiding in the fresher with his head leaning on a wall and puke in the toilet.  
He had promised himself that he’d at least eat with Rey - so she wouldn’t notice.  
It wasn’t sustainable, even after he stopped doing it everyday - he knew he’d end up in and out of the medical bay quite quickly.  
Yet,  
Ben Solo felt alive.  
During the nights where he spent far too long in the fresher, bashing his forehead into a wall, while choking on his knuckles - he’d take himself back to the forest. There was something he loved about the green that lived on the trees. It was something he felt like he hadn’t seen in years.   
There was never a moment of full darkness, as the moon illuminated even during the darkest times of the night.  
Ben stared at the stars. He could feel an old presence.  
Not a malicious presence, not anymore.  
So he sat on the mossy ground, staring at the stars - letting the burning in his throat pass. He couldn’t help but feel the intense heartbeat in his chest.  
Ben Solo felt alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise. More chapters cuz I can't stay away.  
> if you have thoughts, pls share


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting better reveals a lot.

Ben Solo felt lost.   
Another month had passed now, and Ben had two functioning legs now. The limp had disappeared, and he was able to wander the base freely.  
He didn’t care much for the base. It wasn’t awfully dark - there were many open spaces - but the dark parts of the hall seemed too familiar, and Ben wanted to avoid those.   
He had been moved from the medical bay, and now had a small room, as a lot of them were now vacant. Resistance fighters moving on with their lives, finding places on the galaxy to settle back down after the many years of chaos.  
It was all Ben wanted to do - to finally live a normal life - be with Rey, and find a new form of peace, not of his legacy, or bloodline. He wanted peace with himself.  
But to make peace with himself would be forgiving everything he had done, and it felt impossible.  
Ben still had to go back to the medical bay every week - so they can make sure he’s still healing up.  
Every week Ben came back slightly smaller, as he was still using starvation to cause him pain. They had found his left thigh, and with an embarrassing intervention - he half-heartedly swore he’d stop - with Rey holding his hand - her head in his chest.  
He had grown so used to the self-harm as part of his life - he didn’t realize it affected anyone else. He was used to having no one actually care.  
It was acknowledged, and when asked about it - he just said it was change. At the moment he could still lie - and say it was basically anything, and they’d believe him.  
Even if they kept warning him that losing weight was not beneficial to his recovery.  
Ben couldn’t care.  
Ben Solo felt lost.  
He was sitting in the forest - knees in his chest, as he watched Rey train. It was the best he could do through the frustrations of his own weakness.  
He couldn’t help but smile, as he watched the beauty of her movements. Fast, precise. She was ready for anything - even if the galaxy was at peace for the first time.  
There’d always be something looming.   
Rey noticed him again, and this time he didn’t look away. They met eyes, and he cracked a smile, as she walked over.  
Ben pulled himself up with the tree beside him. He could tell the effects of starvation were taking effect, as he felt the world spin for a few moments, before falling into Rey.  
She caught him, and kept her arms around him, as they walked back to the base.  
“You look good, you know?” Ben told her, as he stumbled over an old root.  
“You’re not too shabby yourself.” She said, catching his weight in her arms. He just stared at the ground, his smile fading.  
“With what? I still can’t train, you know.” He said, frustration echoing in his voice.  
“You’re alive though? You’ll get there.” She reassured him, but it didn’t do quite enough.  
“Yeah, in months, or a year? I’m not worth anything without them.” He explained, standing, away from her touch now. His chest rising and falling much faster than before - his heartbeat speeding up.   
The anger he held as Kylo Ren - never quite went away.  
Rey walked back up to him, and pulled his hollowed face towards hers. Ben felt the warmth, as his breath began to slow again.  
She placed her lips on his, and he found himself calming back down. Breathing evenly again.  
“You’re not worthless, no matter what was said.” She said, keeping her arms on his shoulders, supporting him, as they walked back to the base.   
Even with reassurance - he felt just as worthless - it was becoming more apparent that words alone wouldn’t fix the many years of berating, belittling, and abuse.  
Ben Solo felt lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying different things - salty we never saw how Ben Solo actually spoke, right?  
> makes stylization hard


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Integrating into life kind of sucks

Ben Solo felt alone.  
Even with Rey being there to check up on him - which she did quite often - He still felt alone. It was more of his own self-imposed isolation, as he kept trying to get away from it.  
But habits die hard.  
He was without any physical pain now. Walking didn’t hurt, and all the stitched wounds were finally closing up.  
It was bittersweet, knowing that his time in this form of limbo was up,and he was everything but ready to figure out where to go.   
He wasn’t alone, no - and he wouldn’t be when he left - he just felt such a disconnect between those around him. His life had changed so suddenly, so fast, and now it seemed he couldn’t quite remember who he was.  
That’s where his fixation on self-imposed pain came in. He had moved on to his hips, if he found the need for dragging a knife across his skin - usually right underneath the waistband of his pants. They pulled and stung when the fabric moved, which caused more pain, even after the initial cuts.  
Ben found the self-imposed starvation to come in waves now - but on days where he wasn’t in his own head - it sometimes flipped. He’d go straight back into his old habits - which would end up in two ways.  
His head over the toilet in the fresher, or running through the jungle - trying to get rid of everything.  
It wasn’t always predictable, and with that came the secrets he kept from Rey - which he knew would backfire at some point, knowing how close the two were - it had become more of a “go until you can’t” situation - and Ben was ready to take the damage that came with it.  
He wasn’t ready to let himself actually feel fine.  
Those in the medical bay had other ideas - seeing as Ben had grown smaller - not as rapidly, but still noticeably. It was questioned, and he just lied - saying the change was causing a lot of stress.  
Somehow it was still a believable excuse - even if the vertebrae in his neck were sharp enough to poke.  
With the resistance still dwindling, and the base becoming more abandoned, as folks found their ways back home - Ben noticed an absence of noise. It really was more of the jungle - small sounds of leaves rustling in the wind. The rain would sometimes come down loudly, and if it did, Ben would find Rey and curl up beside her, waiting for the rain to pass.  
He stood beside Rey, as they waited for the rain to pass, under a small awning - which had been a communications space before. His hand was intertwined with hers, and all he could do was smile, as he watched the rain let up.  
Ben Solo felt less alone.  
He couldn’t help but grin as he caught glimpses of Rey. She was calm, something he could never get over - He was far too much in love.  
It wasn’t until Rey accidentally brushed his right hip - Ben couldn’t quite stop the slight reaction to the pain. He didn’t quite realize he’d even reacted until Rey gave him a look, and pulled her hand from his.  
He could feel her eyes burning a hole into his chest - so he made sure to avoid eye contact. His foot shuffled on the soggy ground - making patterns in the wet dirt.  
“It’s nothing.” He said quickly - trying to downplay the array of wounds and scars he was hiding.   
Rey took his hand again - making sure to hold it tight enough, so he wouldn’t just slip away. He looked to the floor - trying to find any words he could say.  
With no success, so he looked up - a defeated look on his face.  
“You can ask for help, you know.” Rey told him, her voice calm. Ben found himself tripping on his words, as he tried to get anything out.  
Ben shook his head, terrified.  
“I deserve it anyway.” He said quietly. His heartbeat was loud, banging in his chest - it never felt good - to confront himself.  
“I know it won’t help, but you don’t…you don’t deserve anything you do to yourself.” She told him - making sure to hold contact with him - knowing it brought him comfort.  
Ben Solo felt less alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dialogue is hard as balls dude  
> especially cuz uh  
> we didn't get to hear Ben Solo speak - other than "ow"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angery boi

Ben Solo felt completely broken.  
He was in pieces - almost literally. Exhausted and completely stuck. Physically he was much better - at least in terms of injuries - he could walk, he had no pressing bruises, and his body functioned - but the visits became less frequent - making the drops in his weight a little more concerning.  
He obviously wasn’t just not eating at all - otherwise he’d be dead. He just made sure to keep everything at a minimum - just enough to get by, but also enough for pain - which hadn’t come immediately. It came later - with pounding headaches, fragile bones that would bruise with slight contact, and the strange disassociated feeling that he was a little too acquainted with.  
There were many close calls - late nights in freshers, hiding the sound with running water. No one was left in the halls anyway - so the only few people who would overhear him were usually on the opposite side of the base.  
They kept pushing, and he kept lying - until one day - where he couldn’t.   
Six months now - he had been at the resistance base for six months - healing from something that should’ve killed him, and all he ended up doing was grow worse.  
The emptiness of the base felt haunting now, as almost everyone had left and moved on. The war was finally over - it seemed.  
Ben Solo leaned against the doorframe - after being poked and prodded by three different medics. Stable - but they weren’t really willing to let him leave. It was decently quiet, except for some discussions outside of the room, leaving Ben to eavesdrop.  
After only two words - it was clear - they were discussing him, the loss of weight, and probably the few visible scars on his hips.  
He just let himself be defeated. It didn’t feel over, no, it just felt like another challenge. How could he continue while everyone’s eyes were on him.  
Really - it would only be Rey and the medics that would care, and even then, he was a month away from being done with treatments. After that, they couldn’t do anything. He was free to destroy himself.  
He waited for them to come back with some food plan that he wouldn’t follow.  
He kept scuffing his boots on the floor, bored out of his mind - listening in on the voices.  
“It needs to stop now.”  
“We don’t even know what it is - could be many things.”  
“Obviously he just needs some food forcibly shoved down his throat.”  
“That usually backfires, you know that. Maybe just keep him for longer?”  
“He needs supervision, otherwise he’ll keep doing it.”   
“We just need to get him on some tube. He won’t have a choice then.”  
Ben just sighed - he remembered a moment when he had one of those for a week - because he had ended up in the medical bay on Starkiller - after his first run-in with this sort of pain - it had come from such similar circumstances, but Snoke had been the one to watch the administering - after tying Ben down - caring not for any protesting.  
Snoke basically just made sure to keep Ben alive - and knowing everything behind Snoke - it made him shudder at the thought of everything that used to happen on Starkiller - every part of the abuse.   
Ben Solo felt completely broken.  
The medics walked back in, and one of them held a tube in their palm.  
Ben, knowing exactly what was about to happen, completely abandoned the room. He couldn’t go through the same pain again.  
He found himself just running - away from the base, from the tube, and himself.   
He knew he was completely irrational - he couldn’t really excuse anything he did, nor did he ever want to. He was willing to let it haunt him for the rest of his life - it was a punishment he was willing to take.  
Ben Solo felt completely broken.  
He wasn’t sure where to go, but he knew he had to get off of the moon, at least for a bit.  
He had felt so isolated, and this was the last straw - the absolutely awful memories of the abuse weren’t something he wanted to relive.  
So he went and grabbed an unoccupied ship in the hangar, and just blasted himself into hyperspeed - knowing where was going, but also dreading the entire place.  
He wasn’t scared, no, just a bit nervous about coming back - after what he had done.   
Until he got closer - when he suddenly felt a pang of guilt as he got out of hyperspeed. Memories were flooding back, and none of them seemed good - except the ones with Rey - even if he hadn’t actually been there with her.  
He landed on the sand, and sat for a while - trying to calm his breathing before getting out of the cockpit.  
Which didn’t actually help - the moment he stepped back on the grounds, he snapped.   
Ahch-too wasn’t the kindest of places, but it was one of the only places that ever held more than painful memories.  
Ben walked the steps, and just found old rocks in the rubble - which he began throwing into the water - while letting out some incoherent and scratchy screams.  
He was the opposite of ok - even physically, he was absolutely not ok.  
But it didn’t matter.  
The anger was fading into sadness, and he ended up sobbing into the crisp air of the island, and then echoed back - as exhaustion was beginning to set in.  
He found his hands shaking - horridly, and with it came the familiar headache.   
He went to sit on some unstable rock.  
The world spun, and he couldn’t fixate on anything but the black spots in his vision, and his rapid, yet sporadic heartbeat.  
Ben Solo fell unconscious.  
Ben Solo felt completely broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates woah  
> hi i'm trash - I might do a prologue type fic after this bc I have headcanons  
> lets goo


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Force ghost therapy sessions + back stories

Ben Solo just felt awful.  
He found his eyes wide open, staring at the blue sky of Ahch-To. His head was spinning - while his stomach had him trying not to puke whatever he had eaten that morning.  
It took him a second to realize where he was - and after an initial panic, he just kept his back on the warm rock.  
His breathing was slow - but steady, unlike his heartbeat which kept changing - sometimes being silent for a concerning amount of time.  
Eyes felt like they were on him, and Ben found that odd - no one really knew this place existed - unless Rey had already found him.  
Time was not a concept, not at this point at least. He wasn’t sure if he had been out for an hour, or a day, and it didn’t matter - his body hurt all the same.  
“Hey kid.” He heard a familiar voice, and he snapped to his feet. His stance defensive.  
“You’re dead.” Ben said, anger beginning to rise again - given the circumstances of his last time on the island - it wasn’t an overreaction.  
His anger boiled even more as he saw Luke’s face - even with the blue light that shone through him.  
Luke didn’t quite reciprocate the anger - frankly, it was quite the opposite, leaving Ben with a quick change of stance - hiding the old feelings. His cheeks outwardly held his embarrassment.   
“So were you, but you’re still here.” Luke said, as he sat upon a rock decently close where Ben had fallen unconscious. He motioned to Ben - to sit. So he did, timid at first - remembering everything he had ever done.  
It was still true, he felt irredeemable.  
Ben found some blood on his knuckles, which had probably happened during the fall.  
“You missed the grass, it would’ve been a much nicer nap.” Luke said, and Ben couldn’t quite tell if he was joking or not, so he just looked to the floor.  
“I wasn’t-” He explained.  
“No, I know, I saw it. Didn’t look comfortable.” Luke pointed out. Ben couldn’t find any words - he just sat on the rock - knees facing away from Luke - his defenses completely up.  
“I don’t know what to do. They should’ve left me back on Exogal, after everything I’ve done.” Ben said after a long silence. He had started to find enough courage to face Luke’s eyes, which were calm. None of the anger in Ben’s eyes reflected off of him.  
“We’ve all done pretty horrible things - it’s part of war, but if you look around, now - notice the quiet that has finally balanced with the force. You weren’t meant to be dead, even if you had been.” Luke explained.  
Ben could feel his fists shaking, as he made an attempt to hold back tears.  
“I guess I don’t know my place, not anymore.” Ben said quietly. He was still holding back on everything - not even mentioning his awful idea of coping. He still barely acknowledged it himself - scared of what would happen if he ever did admit it.  
“No one really has a place, that’s just part of the journey - but that’s not your concern right now, is it?” Luke asked, and Ben turned red. His hair hanging over his face - hiding the way his eyes grew wide. He wasn’t quite ready to even mention the looming issues.  
Ben shook his head, keeping his eyes to the floor.  
“It’s nothing, really.” Ben downplayed it - and started to attempt to get up and back to the ship, but getting up caused his knees to buckle, and he caught himself back on the rock.  
“Yeah, really. What’ve you been doing?” Luke asked, in a tone that Ben knew all too well.  
“I’m just...Don’t quite know how to start.” Ben sputtered - his voice growing increasingly quiet. As he went more internal - his left hand tapping the rock, trying to find anything to calm himself.  
“You just say it.” Luke said.  
Ben took another breath.  
“It’s not new, but it’s a lot worse, I guess,” Ben said. He paused, as his heart was beating heavily. “On Starkiller, it happened because of Snoke. It doesn’t help that Snoke was just some forced evil,” Ben explained. His heartbeat had moved into his stomach. “I needed some way to get through.”   
“So what came first?” Luke asked, and Ben just pulled the waistband of his pants slightly - revealing the masses of lines that littered not only his hips, but had creeped onto his stomach.  
“It blocked the voices. Doing it to myself. Snoke just kept hitting, and I stopped fighting.” Ben explained. It was increasingly more difficult for him to keep speaking.  
“And the eating?” Luke asked, catching Ben off guard.  
“I never said anything-” Ben started.  
“Your current state says otherwise.” Luke said, keeping a calm smile - making sure Ben felt safe.  
“It’s not good - physical pain wasn’t enough, not after a while,” Ben said, trailing. He took his eyes away from Luke. “I did this purging thing during late nights on Starkiller - and at first it felt good, you know, but I, uh, it didn’t end up so well. I knew what would happen.” He explained, completely defeated.  
“And what happened?” Luke asked, ebbing Ben.  
“After months I ended up in the medical bay almost regularly, for almost identical problems. They’d stick me with a few needles, I’d sleep a day, and was told to stop. Snoke found out pretty quickly…” Ben trailed, it was obvious that he was re-living awful moments.  
“He didn’t take it well, I presume.” Luke said, and Ben just nodded - holding even more tears back - it was obvious he didn’t quite want to go into detail - and Luke honored it.  
“You don’t need to say anything.” Luke explained, and Ben nodded, his eyes able to face Luke again.  
“It was just a lot of being shoved into walls, and being pinned by a few droids with even more needles being shoved into my skin - I got used to it, and after I killed him, it got better, you know. I gained the strength back, and even with everything else happening.”  
“And now?”  
“I couldn’t cope with what I’ve done, so I went back to everything I’ve known, and this time it was more of a punishment.” Ben explained.  
He felt a presence pretty soon after, and then he saw Rey - who looked completely distraught - until she saw his face, which was calm.  
There was a slight reassurance - that he was ok.  
Even with a pounding headache.  
Ben Solo just felt awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm playing w some more stuff - bc doing the same over is kind of boring right


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is back

Ben stumbled out of the ship, after arriving back in the landing bay. He found himself still a disheveled mess of hair and tears. The headache still raging, pounding, really. He found himself staring up at the ceiling of the bay - empty, with only a few footsteps through the area.   
He was waiting until the room stopped spinning, before starting the trek back to his quarters. There was a gray atmosphere around the base - it was still humid, which didn’t help the waves of dizziness that passed through Ben.  
He didn’t pass out, not again, he did end up back in the medical bay with a needle in his arm - not like it was anything new.   
He found his eyes darting to Rey, as she walked into the room, worried. She was attempting to be calm, but Ben could tell her state was anything but.   
He sat on one of the scratched up beds, and felt it sink a bit more with Rey’s weight. He looked up - his eyes trembling to meet her.   
“They would’ve shoved a tube up my nose again. I just couldn’t take it.” He explained. His voice quiet, trembling again.   
“It happened before?” Rey asked. Ben nodded slowly.   
“Snoke had me in the bay, a droid to hold me down, a droid to shove one into my nose - had they been any more abrasive, they would’ve punctured a lung.” He explained.   
He could feel her hand on his - giving a warm touch.  
“You weren’t eating.” Rey said, quietly. Ben found his lips beginning to tremble. He kept stumbling over words.   
“I was going to.” He said. Lying, partially - he was going to, eventually, but for now it was only enough to get him through - a bare minimum.  
Rey took her fingers and delicately cupped his hollowed cheeks.  
“I wish I could believe you, I really do, but you’ve been saying that for weeks - and yet lose more weight.” She told him, with such sadness. Ben pulled her hand away from his face, letting his lip tremble, letting himself ride out the urge to cry.  
“I can’t.”  
“You can’t?”  
“It feels impossible, as if I’m held back by something - I don’t even know what.” Ben explained - the feeling of single tears rolling down his cheek surprised him. It was something he hadn’t felt in so long.  
“This’ll kill you, if you keep going.” Rey told him, and Ben just nodded.  
“I know.” He said quietly.  
Ben sat for a second, knowing that if he walked anywhere near the medical bay - they’d pull him in and restrain him.  
He was certain.  
So he snuck back into his quarters, stripping himself of his soiled clothing, and before pulling another shirt over his torso - he caught a glimpse of his reflection.  
Pale, that was the first thing he noticed, and with it, the shadows of his bones were more prominent.  
His shoulders no longer held any strength, his chest bones hitting the skin. His ribs running under his skin, pushing as if they need to escape.  
He knew he was thin, he absolutely knew it, but he hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten, and why there was such urgency.  
Now he knew, but it didn’t really help.  
He wanted to keep this. He liked this.  
Sitting down hurt him, so did walking. It was pain in the moments where he felt like he needed it. All the time.  
This was it.  
Ben pulled the original black shirt on, as someone had mended it for him. He had some dark pants on, with a belt as small as it can go - so his pants would stay on his hips.  
This was far past comfort, but he couldn’t turn back now. He was stuck - he had to do it, keep going, breaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> small chapter, sorry.  
> I've been pintucking my Kylo Ren tunic like mad - but I promise to not abandon this

**Author's Note:**

> lemme know your thoughts!  
> Also  
> that damn smile.


End file.
